I know I've been gone for a while, but there is a perfectly good explination. Remember that monkey I told you about...well, on the morning of the 21st I received a voicemail from him saying he was in Tijuana and that he was missing a kidney. So, since I don't have enough loot to fly to Mexico, I decided to drive. I saw alot of cool things on the road...went to many Big Boys burger shops (there aren't any where I live) I couldn't afford to sleep in luxurious hotels like Days Inn...so I checked in to a couple of Hours Inn..it was kinda cheesy, they only had B&W TVs, yet they had satellite. Weird. So I eventually got there in like 4 days, and met up with my monkey. For some reason he was wearing an eyepatch. I asked him if they took his eye too...and he said no, it just makes him look badass. So I went back to my car, and if I wasn't a monkey's uncle, there was only a cardboard box with the word "Car" on it. So I suspected that my car was stolen. I went to the local police station and they just laughed at my monkey with an eyepatch. So we had to figure out a way out of mexico. We first tried everything Rudy tried in "Born In East L.A.". Let me tell you guys something, the cops DO shoot when you get close to the border. You don't know how many dead immigrants I saw on that border. So then we tried selling oranges, but then patches ate the majority of them and rode in the cart on top of them. I tried telling my patrons that the monkey was there to seal in the freshness. Patches didn't really help though by farting everytime I told them that. So it was June 28th, and I was still in mexico. Patches and I were trying to sell oranges as usual when this Italian guy with a music box came up to me and asked me how much for the monkey. I told him a plane ticket to NJ, and he bought me the ticket. So, here I am, the flight was pretty good. The movie they had on board was "Short Circuit 2". I wonder why the 2nd one was more popular than the 1st one. "Oh no, not your shilk sirt" haha!

If you told me 1 year ago that today I would have a monkey named Patches, I would have stabbed you in the heart and called you a damn liar, took a dump in the coffin that they bury you in, dig you up in the middle of the night, tie a noose around your neck, climb to the top of a church, put a sign that said "The devil did this!" and hang you off the cross. Anyways, I got a monkey today. I went to by a slice of pizza at the local pizzeria, and there was a monkey holding a sign that said "Will be monkey for food" So I said what the hell, bought him a slice, and now he's on my bed smoking a cigar. I wonder where he got that thing from. I called him patches cause he's the first monkey I've seen with bald spot patterns. He tries to do a combover, but you can tell, he's not fooling anyone. He really hasn't done anything too monkey-ish. I asked him to get me a beer and he just sticks his tounge out at me. And to make things worse, he at my slice along with his slice. Fat bastard.

I cut off the 3rd arm because I was trying to watch The Goonies and it just kept getting in the way.... I'm on my way to the.......hospital now because.....I think that I lost........way too much ......bl.....blood from the arm.....

I went to the doctor today for my little 3rd arm problem. He said to rub ben-gay on it and call him in the morning. Lazy ass doctor. I didn't know now they require color photos of their patients problems for the purpose of archiving. It was kinda weird when he asked me to put on a two-piece bathing suit though...I don't think he was focusing on my arm problem too. So if anyone knows of a doctor who isn't a closet homosexual, email me and I'll be very appreciative!

I grew a 3rd arm today. I guess it's the New Jersey atmosphere and all the junk food that finally turning me into a mutant. Now you would think that having a 3rd arm is cool and all, it itsn't. The arm grew out of my eyebrow first of all, 2nd, it has no bones in it so it's just hanging there, and 3rd, there are no fingers or a wrist....so it's just a long piece of skin (how is know it's an arm is because it has the elbow patterns) I guess today is one of the days that I stay in my room all day...I hope no one notices. I'll just say that it's my under-developed twin brother.

I was sent a check today for 10 bucks for appearing in The Hulk movie. Apparently I was in the right place at the right time, I was somewhere in the backround and they gave me some loot so I don't sue. I got some big plans with that 10 bucks....big plans....like buying 10 dollars worth in socks! And yes, I did mean to say socks, not stocks. Goddamn grammar teacherz!

I was stuck in a well today. You see, I bought this really good taco from the Taco Shack (it's a combination of radio shack and taco bell...it's pretty cool, you can get a pack of AAA's and a burrito for 1.99, I think it's their #3 value meal) So I had my burrito and AAA's in my hands when I passed by a well. I tripped and dropped both of them into the well! So I decided to do a McGuiver and jump down to get my batteries and burrito. I didn't realize that it was so deep. I tried climbing up it, but the walls were too slick. What was odd though is that there alot of skeletons there with burrito wrappers and AAA batteries in their hands. Someone should really get that rock by the well out of the way. So eventually I passed out due to boredom, and the next thing I know, I'm in my bed with a note saying "Thanks for the free grub and batteries, suckah!" So if your reading this and you happened to save someone from a well who had a burrito and AAA's, gimme my 2 bucks back you son-of-a-bitch!

*Lazy Lie*

If you lick a metal post in the middle of winter, a genie will come out and grant you 6 wishes (he's a special genie, none of that 3 wishes crap)

I bought a gerbil today, not to have as a pet, but to have as a killing machine!! Here's what I'll do: First of all, I painted his fur a jet black...then I put the spider-man logo so he'd look kick-ass. Then, I'd feed him a whole bunch of cheeze-doodles till he gains like 20..no, 30 lbs! Then, I'd teach him karate, just in case he ever gets jumped for his little gerbil wallet. He'll know how to kill a man with his bare paws (and of course with his teeth) I'll also teach him how to speak german, so if he's every approached, people will think he's tough cause he'll be shouting german phrases....the only german phrase I know is "Neine" Germans and their crazy language.

I signed up for the World's Strongest Man competition today...those guys could use me as toilet paper. Now if you all know me, you all know that I'm probably not the strongest person in the world. Or the brightest for that matter. Well, these two came into play when I signed up. I was at school and there were these two tables set up to sign up for stuff. One was for the World's Strongest Man, and the other was for some hippie crap like save the buffalo or some crap like that (I think it's because we're only using them for their wings, but their mighty tasty!) Anyways, the chick at the competition table was hotter than hot...she was actually giving off those waves that you usually see on the pavement when it's like 98 degrees outside, that's how hot this girl was. And the person who was taking up names for the buffalo had an honest to god hump on her/his back! And what also got me was that the competition table had ribs. Hot girls + Ribs = Slave! The date of the competition is on the 20th of June. The things I do for ribs...

Alyssa Milano keeps on calling me man. I met her at a party at this hotel I used to work at and she asked me for my number. I swear to god, she calls me like once a day and I can't take it anymore. She always wants to talk about stupid shit too when all I want to know is how the hell Tony Danza is. Man, that show kicked ass. I never saw the first episode so I never understood why Tony was living with them. Was he really their nanny? Dang, that's racist man. The white man needing an Italian maid. Angela should have made her mom do all of the chores. What did Mona do anyway? Nothing! Just sit on her fat ass and make sexual comments to Tony. If that would have happened to me, I would have sued Mona for sexual harrassment and bought a nice big house next to theirs and invite many a women over and have sexy sexy parties to show them I don't need their stinking job! I'm Italian! You bunch of Fongules!

Well, today was supposed to be the greatest day of my life. I, Daniel Perez, actually won the lottery. My grandmother has been trying to win it for so many years, and then I go out yesterday, buy a ticket for the hell of it, and I'm 5.2 million dollars richer. So I did what anyone would do. I went to Atlantic City and betted my millions in order to get..........billions? So I took one of those buses that the senior citizens take to get down there. Man, I was the life of the party on that bus....literally, everyone was either on a resperator or too busy crapping their pants. So we got off the bus and we all went to this little restaurant to eat first. I guess you can't gamble on an empty stomach. So I went to a casino and walked right up to the roulette table. I bet all of my 5.2 million dollars on black. I had a feeling black was going to come up and I'd be 10.4 million dollars richer......guess what happened? Well, I'm here writing in my blog, so you guess what f-ing happened. I'm going to go drink some Pine Sol.

Finally, I was set free by the feds earlier today. They said due to my singing of "100000000000000 bottles of beer on the wall" they decided to let me go since they really couldn't find anything out from me. Score 2 for castro! Oh sweat, I forgot to get my coupon to go to Outback Steakhouse. Sons of bitches!

*TRUTH* Yea yea, I know, I said I'd update the site everyday, but yesterday wasn't my fault at all. I had the inspirative juices flowing, and when I went to update my site, blogger.com was offline.....so an hour later, I tried again, and the site was still down....and I had to go to my brother's baseball game, so I said F it and I just left. So I hope you like todays update, it's a day late, but it's there =)

Well, still in the government building. The thing that's keeping me going is the idea of going to Outback after all this is over. This is complete bull-s***. Now they're accusing me of putting the cork in Sammy Sosa's bat. They think I have a motive because I'm cuban and Sammy is Dominican. These guys are really bright, it actually was me, but I didn't know the bat was going to break. My plan was to score a fake ID for the batboy of the Cubs so he'll be able to go drinking and to strip clubs with the rest of the team (god bless that 15 yr old) and in return, the batboy would give him a faulty bat with a planted cork in it. It worked like a friggin charm because now Sosa is supposedly suspended for 8 games. Score 1 for Castro!!

I woke up in the basement of a government building again tied to a chair with a single light shining above me. I hate when this happens. Everytime the Americans swear I have some information, they always kidnap me and ask me questions about the cuban government and the soviets and all that crap. Why can't they just call me on my cellie? It'll be so much easier and I'm sure the minutes won't count since it is the US Government. It's hard being a spy for Cuba...or should I say, a "supposed" spy. You might be asking yourself "Hey Daniel, if you were kidnapped, then how did you have time to write into your blog today?" Well my overweight friend, put down the cheeze-doodles and open them ears. While I was being interregated, I remembered that I had to write today, and so I told the government officials that I had to use a computer for my webblog, and they were more than happy to lend me a computer.......of course, I have to be supervised and my keystrokes are being logged. I just hope I get home before lunch time, last time this happened, I was gone for 3 days. It was well worth it though since we went to Chilli's on the final day to celebrate my being kidnapped and all. If you haven't tried the Molten from Chilli's, then you truly haven't lived. I highly recommend it. I didn't have that much of it though on the last day, I didn't realize those government officials haven't eaten in 3 days. They could have at least told me, I would have bought 2 Moltens then. It wouldn't have been a problem because we were paying from taxpayers money. Which reminds me, I hope you payed your taxes, cause when this is over I plan on going to Outback Steakhouse and ordering me some cheese fries and a nice steak!

Well, my limousine driver was late again this morning. It's pretty sweet though that he showed up with Ms. Japan from the recent Ms. Universe competition. Man, she was hot, but it sucked that I couldn't communicate with her. Except for of course the phrase "Me love you long time". And I suuuuuure did *wink wink* I guess everyone is a fan of good 'ol Full Metal Jacket. Even though the second half of the movie is pretty damn boring....they should have ended it right after boot camp....actually, right after where they see the asian hooker, then the guys should have been killed by some bad wonton soup or something.

Well, today is the 1st day of my new blog. This blog will try to have a new lie everyday, cause like I stated in my site description, lies just seem that much more interesting. I just wonder what kind of lies I could think up. Well, this is going to be the only truth, the NBA Finals are on and my Nets are losing, so I must concentrate