If you told me 1 year ago that today I would have a monkey named Patches, I would have stabbed you in the heart and called you a damn liar, took a dump in the coffin that they bury you in, dig you up in the middle of the night, tie a noose around your neck, climb to the top of a church, put a sign that said "The devil did this!" and hang you off the cross. Anyways, I got a monkey today. I went to by a slice of pizza at the local pizzeria, and there was a monkey holding a sign that said "Will be monkey for food" So I said what the hell, bought him a slice, and now he's on my bed smoking a cigar. I wonder where he got that thing from. I called him patches cause he's the first monkey I've seen with bald spot patterns. He tries to do a combover, but you can tell, he's not fooling anyone. He really hasn't done anything too monkey-ish. I asked him to get me a beer and he just sticks his tounge out at me. And to make things worse, he at my slice along with his slice. Fat bastard.