Mounds don't?

*Lazy Lie*

You know the commercial "Sometimes you feel like a nut...sometimes you don't"? Well, what if you feel like neither. Right now i feel like a rubber duckie. Splish splash mother-f***er.

Bark at the Sun

Well, woke up today as a werewolf. Now I know what your thinking, "How can you be a werewolf during the day?" Well, I guess I'm a reverse werewolf smarty. You know, werewolves come out during a full moon... well, I came out during a full...um...sun. So I did what any normal werewolf does during the day. I joined the high school baskeball team and friggin dominated cause no one could block a werewolf, did a little bit of car-surfing on my friend's van while he drove, played a southern-general in my school's play, and went to the dance and invented my own dance while hundreds of my peers danced along with me. Yep, everyday life as a werewolf rocks. Tomorrow I plan on working as a chef in a restaurant. I wonder if I need a body-hair net.

Overnight Sensation

Ever heard the phrase "Overnight sensation"? Well, that's what I became last night...it kinda stinks that my fame didn't come over to today. But man, did I do alot overnight...too bad you all were asleep, cause I was all over the news and there were like parades and sh** for me. I was HUGE from the time of 12:00am until about 5:00am.

I got no feet on me!

Living with no feet stinks... allow me to explain myself. This morning, I decided to make myself some breakfast...so I decide "Ehhh...I'll have fried condor eggs" Now some of you might ask "But why don't you just eat regular chicken eggs?" And then I'd say something like "I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you because of the noise from the traffic. Let me close the window" And then you'd say it again and I'd say "Are you serious? Regular chicken eggs? Man, get out of my house right now and don't ever come back or I'll smack you with my shovel and I won't stop until I see brain fragments" In case you didn't know, condor eggs and chicken eggs are almost identical...except for one thing. It's from a condor...not a chicken. And since there are no condor eggs around, I had to go look for one. So I went to the highest mountain in the area, and I found a condor nest. The eggs were huge! But, one thing I didn't count on was the momma conda being in the area. So, the momma basically grabs me by the ankles and flies with me hanging upside down. I would love to tell you the rest, but I basically passed out from the blood rushing to my head. I basically woke up in the street without my feets. And also a note was on my chest that said "Call me for a drink sometime... -Momma Condor" God, condor's are such whores...but they sure are stacked

Well, I ran a marathon today. I mean, it wasn't anything big like the New York Marathon or anything like that...it was more of a "Running away from a big-ass dog because you were found naked with your boss' neice and you forgot to take the BLT out of your back pocket." So basically, I ran for a good hour or so, I never knew dogs could run so fast. It's a damn shame that it basically became a front bumper sticker to that dump truck that just missed me. Poor snuggles.

*Lazy Lie*

In some countries, kicking a man while he is down is a sign of absolute respect for him and his pet goat.

WoW! What a crazy couple of months I've gone through. Well, in our last episode, our hero (Me!) was given superhuman powers reminiscent to AquaMan's powers. So I went out to the ocean and dove right into the water. Man, I don't think you guys realize, but land is soooo over-rated. Think about it. The majority of the planet is made up of water. Do you know how much crap we're missing just because we breath oxygen? So I made a couple of friends while I was under the sea, and then, I saw something I thought I'd never see. A Mermaid! Not just any Mermaid...THE Little Mermaid. Yea man, I'm guessing the movie was a biography of her life, because there she was..in the flesh. So we hung out, met Sebastian, did some singing and next thing I know, she's pregnant and says I'm the father. That's bull because there is no way that I'd do it with a fish. So, for the past couple of months, I was dodging her. I became a fisherman in the south pacific. Until one day, while I was on the fishing boat, and I had caught something huge! It was the mermaid I'd been dodging. And she had her kid already. So I threw them back into the damn ocean, and gunned it for land. And that's why I'm here today to write into you again. So if anyone happens to go swimming and there is a mermaid asking for me, tell her I died. Yea..I died...and that..uh..she should..uh..die too.

I woke up this morning and there was a midget eating a meatball sandwich at the side of my bed. I look over and he's just chomping away. So I say, "May I help you midget?" And he said that he was a dwarf that can give me superhuman powers, like spiderman's webs, the hulk's strength, or even magneto's magnetic power. He told me to choose wisely because that's what I'll be with for the remainder of my life. So I thought long and hard...I decided to take aquaman's power to call for the help of any sea creature in the ocean (I know it's hella weak, but I got some good ideas for these powers) So he smacked me with his meatball sandwich and he told me that I had those powers now. That midget is a little bastard though, because on my way out to the beach, I noticed I was missing 50 bucks from my wallet. Goddamn midgets. OK, well, I'm off to the beach now to try out my powers. I'll either write later today or tomorrow morning to let you know how it went.

I know I've been gone for a while, but there is a perfectly good explination. Remember that monkey I told you about...well, on the morning of the 21st I received a voicemail from him saying he was in Tijuana and that he was missing a kidney. So, since I don't have enough loot to fly to Mexico, I decided to drive. I saw alot of cool things on the road...went to many Big Boys burger shops (there aren't any where I live) I couldn't afford to sleep in luxurious hotels like Days Inn...so I checked in to a couple of Hours Inn..it was kinda cheesy, they only had B&W TVs, yet they had satellite. Weird. So I eventually got there in like 4 days, and met up with my monkey. For some reason he was wearing an eyepatch. I asked him if they took his eye too...and he said no, it just makes him look badass. So I went back to my car, and if I wasn't a monkey's uncle, there was only a cardboard box with the word "Car" on it. So I suspected that my car was stolen. I went to the local police station and they just laughed at my monkey with an eyepatch. So we had to figure out a way out of mexico. We first tried everything Rudy tried in "Born In East L.A.". Let me tell you guys something, the cops DO shoot when you get close to the border. You don't know how many dead immigrants I saw on that border. So then we tried selling oranges, but then patches ate the majority of them and rode in the cart on top of them. I tried telling my patrons that the monkey was there to seal in the freshness. Patches didn't really help though by farting everytime I told them that. So it was June 28th, and I was still in mexico. Patches and I were trying to sell oranges as usual when this Italian guy with a music box came up to me and asked me how much for the monkey. I told him a plane ticket to NJ, and he bought me the ticket. So, here I am, the flight was pretty good. The movie they had on board was "Short Circuit 2". I wonder why the 2nd one was more popular than the 1st one. "Oh no, not your shilk sirt" haha!

If you told me 1 year ago that today I would have a monkey named Patches, I would have stabbed you in the heart and called you a damn liar, took a dump in the coffin that they bury you in, dig you up in the middle of the night, tie a noose around your neck, climb to the top of a church, put a sign that said "The devil did this!" and hang you off the cross. Anyways, I got a monkey today. I went to by a slice of pizza at the local pizzeria, and there was a monkey holding a sign that said "Will be monkey for food" So I said what the hell, bought him a slice, and now he's on my bed smoking a cigar. I wonder where he got that thing from. I called him patches cause he's the first monkey I've seen with bald spot patterns. He tries to do a combover, but you can tell, he's not fooling anyone. He really hasn't done anything too monkey-ish. I asked him to get me a beer and he just sticks his tounge out at me. And to make things worse, he at my slice along with his slice. Fat bastard.

I cut off the 3rd arm because I was trying to watch The Goonies and it just kept getting in the way.... I'm on my way to the.......hospital now because.....I think that I lost........way too much ......bl.....blood from the arm.....

I went to the doctor today for my little 3rd arm problem. He said to rub ben-gay on it and call him in the morning. Lazy ass doctor. I didn't know now they require color photos of their patients problems for the purpose of archiving. It was kinda weird when he asked me to put on a two-piece bathing suit though...I don't think he was focusing on my arm problem too. So if anyone knows of a doctor who isn't a closet homosexual, email me and I'll be very appreciative!

I grew a 3rd arm today. I guess it's the New Jersey atmosphere and all the junk food that finally turning me into a mutant. Now you would think that having a 3rd arm is cool and all, it itsn't. The arm grew out of my eyebrow first of all, 2nd, it has no bones in it so it's just hanging there, and 3rd, there are no fingers or a wrist....so it's just a long piece of skin (how is know it's an arm is because it has the elbow patterns) I guess today is one of the days that I stay in my room all day...I hope no one notices. I'll just say that it's my under-developed twin brother.

I was sent a check today for 10 bucks for appearing in The Hulk movie. Apparently I was in the right place at the right time, I was somewhere in the backround and they gave me some loot so I don't sue. I got some big plans with that 10 bucks....big plans....like buying 10 dollars worth in socks! And yes, I did mean to say socks, not stocks. Goddamn grammar teacherz!

I was stuck in a well today. You see, I bought this really good taco from the Taco Shack (it's a combination of radio shack and taco bell...it's pretty cool, you can get a pack of AAA's and a burrito for 1.99, I think it's their #3 value meal) So I had my burrito and AAA's in my hands when I passed by a well. I tripped and dropped both of them into the well! So I decided to do a McGuiver and jump down to get my batteries and burrito. I didn't realize that it was so deep. I tried climbing up it, but the walls were too slick. What was odd though is that there alot of skeletons there with burrito wrappers and AAA batteries in their hands. Someone should really get that rock by the well out of the way. So eventually I passed out due to boredom, and the next thing I know, I'm in my bed with a note saying "Thanks for the free grub and batteries, suckah!" So if your reading this and you happened to save someone from a well who had a burrito and AAA's, gimme my 2 bucks back you son-of-a-bitch!

*Lazy Lie*

If you lick a metal post in the middle of winter, a genie will come out and grant you 6 wishes (he's a special genie, none of that 3 wishes crap)

I bought a gerbil today, not to have as a pet, but to have as a killing machine!! Here's what I'll do: First of all, I painted his fur a jet black...then I put the spider-man logo so he'd look kick-ass. Then, I'd feed him a whole bunch of cheeze-doodles till he gains like 20..no, 30 lbs! Then, I'd teach him karate, just in case he ever gets jumped for his little gerbil wallet. He'll know how to kill a man with his bare paws (and of course with his teeth) I'll also teach him how to speak german, so if he's every approached, people will think he's tough cause he'll be shouting german phrases....the only german phrase I know is "Neine" Germans and their crazy language.

I signed up for the World's Strongest Man competition today...those guys could use me as toilet paper. Now if you all know me, you all know that I'm probably not the strongest person in the world. Or the brightest for that matter. Well, these two came into play when I signed up. I was at school and there were these two tables set up to sign up for stuff. One was for the World's Strongest Man, and the other was for some hippie crap like save the buffalo or some crap like that (I think it's because we're only using them for their wings, but their mighty tasty!) Anyways, the chick at the competition table was hotter than hot...she was actually giving off those waves that you usually see on the pavement when it's like 98 degrees outside, that's how hot this girl was. And the person who was taking up names for the buffalo had an honest to god hump on her/his back! And what also got me was that the competition table had ribs. Hot girls + Ribs = Slave! The date of the competition is on the 20th of June. The things I do for ribs...

Alyssa Milano keeps on calling me man. I met her at a party at this hotel I used to work at and she asked me for my number. I swear to god, she calls me like once a day and I can't take it anymore. She always wants to talk about stupid shit too when all I want to know is how the hell Tony Danza is. Man, that show kicked ass. I never saw the first episode so I never understood why Tony was living with them. Was he really their nanny? Dang, that's racist man. The white man needing an Italian maid. Angela should have made her mom do all of the chores. What did Mona do anyway? Nothing! Just sit on her fat ass and make sexual comments to Tony. If that would have happened to me, I would have sued Mona for sexual harrassment and bought a nice big house next to theirs and invite many a women over and have sexy sexy parties to show them I don't need their stinking job! I'm Italian! You bunch of Fongules!

Well, today was supposed to be the greatest day of my life. I, Daniel Perez, actually won the lottery. My grandmother has been trying to win it for so many years, and then I go out yesterday, buy a ticket for the hell of it, and I'm 5.2 million dollars richer. So I did what anyone would do. I went to Atlantic City and betted my millions in order to get..........billions? So I took one of those buses that the senior citizens take to get down there. Man, I was the life of the party on that bus....literally, everyone was either on a resperator or too busy crapping their pants. So we got off the bus and we all went to this little restaurant to eat first. I guess you can't gamble on an empty stomach. So I went to a casino and walked right up to the roulette table. I bet all of my 5.2 million dollars on black. I had a feeling black was going to come up and I'd be 10.4 million dollars richer......guess what happened? Well, I'm here writing in my blog, so you guess what f-ing happened. I'm going to go drink some Pine Sol.

Finally, I was set free by the feds earlier today. They said due to my singing of "100000000000000 bottles of beer on the wall" they decided to let me go since they really couldn't find anything out from me. Score 2 for castro! Oh sweat, I forgot to get my coupon to go to Outback Steakhouse. Sons of bitches!

*TRUTH* Yea yea, I know, I said I'd update the site everyday, but yesterday wasn't my fault at all. I had the inspirative juices flowing, and when I went to update my site, blogger.com was offline.....so an hour later, I tried again, and the site was still down....and I had to go to my brother's baseball game, so I said F it and I just left. So I hope you like todays update, it's a day late, but it's there =)